6 days...

Some of you know this and some of you may not, but I am a dreamer.  That's not some way of patting myself on the back - I just have vivid dreams that I love to talk about when I wake up.  My mom has been trying to get me to hang a dream catcher in my window for decades... she must not like talking out my dreams with me!

Anyway  - This post is a dream post.  Sorry Mom!

Last night I dreamt of Jax.  This was the first time I've ever seen his face (or remembered at least).  I can't get over how beautiful he was!  I don't mean to sound conceited, but he was the cutest... the most handsome... the most beautiful baby I've ever seen!  Now I'll go ahead and try to describe this inhuman beauty and you'll all wrinkle up your faces and go "really!?!"  Well, yes, really... this is my dream!  LOL!  He had dark auburn hair - darker than mine, but more red than Brian's.  It was good hair: smooth, sleek, it laid perfectly in place.  There wasn't a ton of it, but it wasn't terribly thin, either.  He had my Dad's icy gray eyes.  They were beautiful and sparkled when he laughed.  He had beautiful warm skin tone - not porcelain white, but not too dark, either (he is my child after all - he's got an awfully pasty Mama).  Just warm and it had a healthy glow.

He was a happy baby - as a newborn he would play actively when he was wide awake - and when he was tired, he'd snuggle sweetly and sleep soundly.  In the dream I also go to see him a couple months older.  Still beautiful, and still happy.  Our friend Barb (who made his quilt) was visiting (or we were visiting her - or we met up somewhere, IDK, it was a dream) and she scooped him up and he just loved her!  He loved everyone who came around him.  He was entertaining and sweet and so so happy.

Okay - now you all know why Mom wants me to get a dream catcher!  I think Brian is on her side as well - although he tells me he likes hearing about my dreams... I sense some sarcasm when he says it.

I don't care - I love my dreams - I know they don't mean anything or foresee anything, but I enjoy them none-the-less, and today, when I'm sad to be missing so much family, I'm glad to wake up feeling so excited to see my baby boy.  I can't wait to see his face and compare it to what it looked like in my dreams.  Something tells me he'll be even more beautiful in real life.

Happy Thanksgiving all!

Happy Thanksgiving!

This post is maybe less baby and more just a shout out to some of the things for which I'm most grateful.

This is one of my favorite weekends of the year... not just Thanksgiving, but the years that all of my Vann family comes together for Thanksgiving.  ... and this year I'm missing it!  Yes, tears have been shed, and more will be shed - but Brian and Dr. Curry and I just agreed that 6 days from Jax's due date was too late to be traveling. {big sigh} :(

But I refuse to let my selfish sadness ruin a day that I should be celebrating all that I have for which to be thankful.  There is not enough time, space, or life left in this old computer to put down everything I'm thankful for, but here are a few things off the top of my head:

Family:  I'm blessed with family whom I can also call friends.  If I hadn't been graced with such amazing family I would have gladly chosen them as my best friends.  I married into a loving family who welcomed me with open arms and make me feel right at home.  I'm so blessed to be so surrounded on all sides with such love.

Brian: I could have lumped him in with family but he deserves his own line.  If anyone had asked me 5 years ago about my future I'd have had two answers - one I thought likely to happen, and one I always wanted to have.  Brian gives me the life I always wanted to have and never thought I would have.  And the dreams we have yet to attain are things he actively pursues along with me.  I'm grateful for every day that I get to spend with him.

Jaxxon:  I know I haven't seen his face - I haven't looked into his eyes - I don't know his voice... but I am so thankful to have had the chance to experience this pregnancy with him.  I'm so thankful for the challenge that awaits me with his arrival.  I'm thankful that God chose me to be his Mama.  I cannot wait to experience the world all over again through his eyes.

Friends:  I have the most amazing friends.  They entertain, support, inspire, teach and encourage me every day.  Whether local or across the country my friends make me want to better myself every day.  I've met a lot of great people over my 30 years, and I've had some great times, but I've only really held onto those that are absolute treasures in my life.  I haven't padded my life with shallow friendships, but with profound relationships - with people who make me a better person.

Blue & Zeppelin:  Yes, they are a challenge all their own, but I'm thankful for them.  They teach me patience and they keep me on my toes at all times.   They have been great practice for children.  They teach me all about love and adoration and forgiveness.  Zeppelin is the traditional dog who can't get enough of me - and on the other hand Blue Belle is never afraid to put me in my place before settling in to allow me to give her a puppy massage.  LOL!

Freedom:  Our nation isn't perfect.  It's got it's flaws - who among us doesn't?  But it allows me the right to make my choices, to be educated, to pursue excellence, to speak my mind, and to change my mind.    And as much as I love traveling abroad it always reminds me of even more reasons to love to be an American.

Home:  Is it my dream house!?  No - but what fun would it be to have your dream house at 30!?  What would there be to work for the rest of our lives!?  But I'm so blessed to have a stable, safe, lovely home to bring my expanding family home to.  A safe place to rest my head at night - and know that it will protect my family.

Health:  I am not often caught bragging about a great body, being a master of emotional stability or an exceptional lifestyle - but I'm healthy.  I live life in an everything-in-moderation state of being and I believe I am a well rounded person for it (no pun intended).  Is there room for improvement!?  Of course, but only just allows me space to continue working on the person I want to be.  I'm healthy, I'm able, I've got options all around me.  I'm thankful for the ability and endurance to be able to accomplish whatever it is I put my mind to.  I've had a wonderful pregnancy - and if anything were to put my health - body, mind & spirit - to the test it is pregnancy!

Technology:  I may not be a great student, but I really do love to learn.  I love to DIY.  I love to test my limits and see what I'm capable of.  Sometimes I get less than spectacular results - sometimes it's a complete failure, but I almost always try again until I achieve some level of success.  Technology gives me the opportunity to learn things that I never would have taken the time to learn otherwise.   I can research quickly and easily and get all kinds of ideas and options within a few seconds.  I don't take everything I read online as gospel, but I do consider it most of the time and use that knowledge to make more educated decisions.  Even if that decision is that whatever I read online was BS!  At least I have a plethora of information!  In addition to that technology has given me safe, reliable transportation, a climate controlled home, entertainment, convenience, and comfort.  I'm thankful to live in the 21st century!

Modern Medicine:  This year especially I'm grateful for modern medicine!  I have every respect for wholistic approaches, etc.  But no one need ask why I'm loving the medical world this year!  Bring on the epidural!

Well, that's what is on my mind tonight - tomorrow a million more things will go through my mind - and I'll be thankful for the ability to share my gratitude.  I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving filled with family, joy, and gratitude.  This year, I'm thankful for all of you!

10...

Well, with just barely over a week left until his due date it's about time I finish the nursery!  There's still a touch here or there that I'd like to do, but in the mean time I rigged what needed to be rigged and it will do (no safety hazards - promise).

So, without further ado:

 First the overall view

Now the details.  I didn't love a nursery set, so I decided to personalize it all.

Tara  created this masterpiece.  If you pay attention the photo's spell out Jaxxon.  The fact that she used pictures of Grandpa's cars adds yet another special touch.

There are a couple of custom pieces in the image below.  The small blankie that the teddy bear is holding is from Nana - we couldn't find just the right colors, so the baby boutique in Salina helped us create exactly what we were looking for.  Funny little owls on the front with bright orange swirled minky on the back.  SO soft!

The quilt was hand pieced and stippled by our dear friend Barb.  It's a masterpiece!  I told her I intended for it to get dirty and really well loved, and I hope it does, but right now I love it so much I don't want it to ever get dirty!  It turned out absolutely perfect and it was made with love.  I couldn't ask for more!

The car collage is courtesy of our friend Travis.  It's small now, but I plan to add pieces to it as we get memories on film with Jax.  The Kansas license plate was another gift from Aunt Tara.

I wanted a mobile of some sort, but I couldn't find exactly what I was looking for.  One day, very early in the pregnancy I tripped over a magnificent mobile - and the maker was PROUD... it was over $300!!!  So, like any motivated DIYer I decided to make my own with that one as inspiration.  It turned out a bit more astrological than I'd planned, but it's fun and colorful and catches and throws light around the room - all good things!   I don't know what Jax will think but when cousin Scott got to preview the room he loved it! 

Aunt's Bre & Laura made this blankie (over the back of the chair) for Jax.  I anticipate it getting a lot of love - I know Brian's already taken a nap with it!

Another little favorite part that I can't really take credit for are the vintage truck finials.  A steal that I just happened to trip over while at Pottery Barn Kids with Nana.  They are so perfect and I anticipated them breaking the bank, but at a bargain $7 they were not leaving my hot little hands until they were mounted on Jax's wall!  I love them so much I might go see if I can get another to hold the curtain back (...yes, that's what is rigged... for the time being).

So, that's his room!  I hope he loves it as much as I do.  I can't wait to add the finishing touch:  Jaxxon!

12 days of Jaxxon

Haha - like I'm really going to manage to blog every day for the next 12 days!  But can you believe that's all that's left until his due date!?  CRAZY!

I'm now 38 weeks and 2 days.  Jax is about 19 3/4" long and 6.8-7lbs.  He's just getting fatter now - a chubby baby is a healthy baby!  He's moving and rolling and stretching all of the time.  I love feeling his hard little body when he's pushing out on my belly.

We saw the doctor today - we've made a little progress towards his arrival, but for the most part are looking like we're right on track - about 12 days out!  (okay, Dr. Curry said "right on track"... the 12 days out is my own hopefulness).  Heart rate was good - about 147.  Everything is looking good. 

So - I've been thinking about all of the things I'll miss about this pregnancy - and all of the things I won't!  I thought I should probably write them all down so I don't forget (because I will forget).

I'll miss:
feeling every little roll, kick, stretch etc.
The feel of my belly, and I think I'll miss the look of it, too.
The pride of walking around with a big baby belly - this is about the only time in life that I get to feel good about my belly sticking out!
The guiltless indulgences.  I try not to go over board, but it's nice to not have to question every little snack.
The soft, clear complexion - knock on wood I don't think I've had a break out since the first trimester!
Strong, fast growing fingernails!
maternity pants.

I won't miss:
Painful punches to tender zones
Heartburn: sometimes Prevacid helps... but in the 3rd trimester sometimes it's no match to my heartburn
The constant and ongoing need to go potty - day or night.
Instant hunger pangs that cannot wait another moment (honestly, they hit hard and with nausea of I don't eat NOW!)
Being so full I'm sick after a moderate/small meal, and starving beyond belief 15 minutes later.
Swelling: hands, feet, wrists - and everything in between!  And I've been lucky - it hasn't been too bad, but what I've had has been constant since summer.
My non-maternity clothes slipping and my belly hanging out (this is really only at home, but still annoying).
My joints slipping as I get closer to the end.  It's quick and it's over as soon as it happens, but it hurts!
My hair growing like I used the Peanut Butter Solution (did anyone else see that movie as a kid?)
My limitations - I hate not being able to do certain things... it's really hard to accept my limitations (and I know that won't go away very soon).
Feeling like I'm always wearing a girtle (that's really my best description - like everything on the inside is being squeezed into a too small girtle...then again I might want to wear a girtle after he's born!). 
Watching the number on the scale climb every week - that's traumatizing!

Ok - I know it looks like there's a lot more that I won't miss than I will miss.  But I think the "will miss" list holds more weight than the "won't miss" list.  I feel more strongly about the things I will miss.

I hope you all have a great weekend and if I don't post again before - have a very happy Thanksgiving ({small sob}: the closer it gets the sadder I get that I won't be with all of my extended family in Salina.  ok - now it's a bigger sob).

Coming up quick!

I can't believe there is less than 3 1/2 weeks until my due date!  All of a sudden my little projects here and there are high priority!  AH!  Of course, at this point, if none of them get done it won't be a catastrophe, but you know I'd like to do all I can before I have a newborn to tag along with me.

As friends and family of mine are pregnant and have their babies I'm taking little notes here and there about their experiences.  Trying to decipher what we want to try and what we want to try to avoid, etc.  Trying to use my resources, if you will.  But one thing that we've noticed with many friends babies being born is the social networking element.  So many times I find out that a friend of mine had their baby through a facebook post by someone who is not the parent of the baby.  I think it's great when the parents designate a person to be their "PR" rep, but I don't think Brian and I are going to have a PR rep.  I'd like to ask anyone who uses facebook or other social networking applications to refrain from commenting on either their wall or ours or posting pics of Jaxxon until they see that either Brian or I have posted something on our pages.  We are so excited to announce his arrival to the world, we'd love to be the first to do so! 

The next request seems like a given, and yet in the excitement of everything it can easily be overlooked.  Jaxxon will be born in flu season - and his brand new fragile little immune system doesn't have a chance against the bugs that are out there in the world.  So anyone who wants to come visit Jax after he's born is more than welcome, but please, if you have been feeling less than 100% or have had a bit of a bug, wait until you are feeling 100% before coming to see him.  The rooms all have a sink with soap and hand sanitizer right inside the door so that everyone who comes in can make sure they aren't unknowningly bringing any little flu-y friends with them.  I feel like a paranoid, over-protective crazy person saying all of this... well, I might just be that person!  I'm sorry!

Okay - I'll try to tame the paranoia for a bit now.

I'm trying to be as prepared for December as possible.  We have a very busy month and the more prepared I am now the less crazy I am then!  On that note, I'm considering what clothes I'll need to pack for Jax, and what clothes I'll need to pack for me!  Acknowledging that it's likely that both of us will get more than one outfit dirty per day.  Planning Jax's travel wardrobe is fun - it's all so cute that I can't wait to show him off in it!  Planning mine - less fun.  I have no clue what I'll be able to wear - will I still be in maternity clothes!?  If so, will I love the maternity items that I love now, or will the lack of baby in the belly (and presence of just post-baby belly) make me hate the things I love now.  I assume I'll still need maternity clothes , and if not I'm in a world of hurt because I have no clue what I have in my pre-baby wardrobe!  I can't even imagine myself without this belly right now.  I can't imagine ever having a waist again... it's a completely foreign concept to me right now.  Please forgive me if I show up to some family holiday event and I'm mismatched and ill-fitted - I may have lost all clue as to how to dress myself (and for the time-being, I may have lost all care)! 

A week or so ago I started feeling low pressure in my abdomen, but didn't want to jinx anything by claiming that Jax was dropping.  Well, we started our weekly appointments on Friday and doctor felt Jax's head and showed me how to feel him too - it's crazy that he's getting in position and all ready to be born!  Everything is still going well, so for the time being we will not be planning on another ultrasound - we'll have to wait until he's born to see him again!  My belly is measuring in the appropriate range (a few cm behind my 36 weeks pregnant, still, but definitely in the safe zone - no sign of a giant baby yet).  His heartrate continues to be strong and stable, and my BP is up a bit, but still well within in the safe zone. 

On Wednesday Jax will be full term!  37 weeks! All of his organs are ready for the outside world and he's a fully developed baby.   Jax will be about 19 1/4 inches and about 6 1/2 - 7 lbs.  At this point any time is go time.  I'm reminded of this every time I call anyone!  Whenever anyone answers my call I hear something to the effect of "is it time!?"  I've started joking that I need to send a pre-call text saying "just calling to chat" - I may have to stop joking and start doing it!  (I feel so bad for my friend Erin - I've pocket dialed her a handful of times and then hang up, she must be jumping every time she see's my name pop up!  SORRY ERIN!)  Jax is still active, and I still enjoy the majority of his movements.  Very few are painful, and those that are I can usually alleviate the discomfort by adjusting my position. 

Here's a few of Jax's favorite things right now - they make him dance almost every time I eat them:
~California Club sandiwich: Turkey (heated to steaming), bacon (heated also), white american cheese, avacado, and a touch of mayo (pre-pregnancy bacon, avacado and mayo were not things you'd typically find on my sandwich)
~Swiss Oatmeal: My own recipe including greek yogurt, oatmeal, milk, cinnamon, dried cherries & cranberries, diced apple and diced banana
~Honeycrisp Apples {with or without carmel} (apples usually gave me a tummy ache pre-pregnancy)
~Ice cream (preferably with some chocolate, strawberry sauce/jelly, and banana)
~Coke
~Ice Water (this sounds like something normal, but I never used to like much ice in my water - I just wanted cool water - now the more ice the better - but it always gives him hiccups)
~Apple Juice (I was never a fan of apple juice - now we can't keep enough in the house to get us through the week)
~Milk (I don't crave milk, but when I get a glass I end up chugging it and wanting more!)

I hope these things are still good to his tummy after he's born!  Most of these are staples in my daily diet (I don't have ice cream every night...).

Here is just some silly self-portrait (I was trying to learn a bit more about my camera before Jax is here):

And here is a progression from week 18 through week 36 (most of them are shown... some weeks we either forgot to take a pic, or my SD card was corrupted and we lost the pics - don't worry , we've got a new SD card so we shouldn't have that issue anymore)  This pic should blow up bigger if you just click on them.